Satire

Golden calf of 1550 B.C. Canaanites unearthed

A real newspaper article.

By Joel Brinkley
NEW YORK TIMES

ASHKELON, Israel--Harvard University archaeologists excavating Canaanite ruins surrounding the site of the ancient port city of Ashkelon have unearthed a "golden calf' that was an object of worship dating from the second millennium B.C..
   The tiny image of bronze and other metals was recovered almost intact, with legs, ears, tail and one of its horns still in place, even though the temple in which it was housed was reduced to rubble during a conquest of Ashkelon in about 1550 B.C., midway through the Bronze Age.
   In the Bible, golden calves, similar in form but considerably larger than the Ashkelon find, are referred to during the Exodus, in ancient Jerusalem's rivalry with the northern, calf- worshipping Hebrew king Jeroboam and in other Old Testament accounts.

   According to the American team that discovered the calf on June 26, it is the only one of its kind ever found and provides important evidence to help explain religious development in this region.
   It was dated by examination of the pottery and other artifacts found alongside it, a standard archaeological practice. The pottery style had already been demonstrated to be of this period, midway through the second millennium B.C..
   "It was a totally unexpected find," said Dr. Lawrence E. Stager, the Dorot professor of The Archeology Of Israel at Harvard and head of the team at work at Ashkelon.
   The calf and shrine were found in the rubble of a temple. Only the building's foundations remain.
   Some scholars believe the early Israelites were a breakaway Canaanite sect.

   They forged their own identity, Stager said, "by being in opposition to the Canaanite religious matrix" that prevailed in the region until it was swept out by the Philistines, who conquered the coastal area in about 1180 B.C..
   The golden calf is believed to have been the central object of worship for the Canaanites for 1,000 years or longer.
   Historians and archaeologists believe it was not the animal itself that was the object of worship. Canaanites believed that their pagan gods rode on these strong and sacred beasts. So the temples showed the calves as representations of the deities, and worshipers made sacrificial offerings to the animals.
   The large multi-room temple in which the Ashkelon calf was found sat at the base of the ancient city's vast wall and rampart, now being unearthed.

Ecclesiastics 1:9 The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun. 

Golden elephant of 2000 A.D. Americans unearthed

By Joel Brown
SAMARIA POST

WASHINGTON, N. America--Ray Capt University archaeologists excavating ruins surrounding the site of the ancient capital city of Washington have unearthed a "golden elephant" that was an object of worship dating from the second millennium A.D..
   The tiny image of plastic and metallic decoration was recovered almost intact, with legs, ears, tail and part of its trunk still in place, even though the temple in which it was housed was reduced to rubble during a Chinese  invasion in 2022 A.D., midway through the Atomic Age.
   In other digs, golden donkeys, similar in form but considerably larger than the Washington find, were worshipped during the Atomic Age, in the ancient

rivalry between the donkey-worshipping Presidents Roosevelt, Carter, Kennedy, Clinton and the elephant worshiping Nixon, Reagan, and Bush administrations.
   According to the archaeological team that discovered the elephant on June 26, it is the only one of its kind ever found and provides important evidence to help explain religious development in this region.
   It was dated by examination of the Styrofoam cups and other artifacts found alongside it, a standard archaeological practice. The cup style had already been demonstrated to be of this period, midway through the second millennium A.D..
   "It was a totally unexpected find," said Dr. Lawrence E. Jones, the professor of archeology at Capt

University and head of the team at work at Washington. 
   The elephant and its shrine were found in the rubble of a convention center. Only the building's foundations remain.
   The golden elephant is believed to have been the central object of worship for the Republicans for 200 years or longer.
   Historians and archaeologists believe it was not the animal itself that was the object of worship. Americans believed that their pagan gods rode to victory on these strong and sacred beasts. So the temples showed the elephants and donkeys as representations of the deities, and worshipers made sacrificial donations to the animals.
  The large multi-room convention center in which the Washington elephant was found sat at the base of the ancient city's vast Congressional fall-out shelter, now being unearthed.

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